Unfortunately, it looks to me like Ted Cruz might be our
next president. I am not basing this belief on how he is doing in the polls, or
how he compares to his opponents. No, I am basing this solely on the fact that
he is a vampire (though he would have you believe otherwise, the sneaky little
shit).
Many of you may have heard the popular joke that’s going
around about how Ted is the Zodiac Killer. “Now, that doesn’t make any sense,”
you might be saying to yourself as you scroll through the Internet. “He was
born right after the killer stopped.” To most people, it seems pretty obvious
that he is not the killer. You may even be one of those people. But I want you
to think about it. How convenient is it that he was “born” only months after
the last known attacks by the killer. Was he really born? Or could he have faked
a childhood and charmed some parents (figuring that vampires have that ability)
into thinking they had had a grown son. Of course after that he had to fake a
birth certificate (Canadian of course, those pesky American ones can be
difficult, what with the Birthers and all that).
But that’s not all.
Just look at him. Look at his face.
Does he seem like he’s
having a good time? No. His face suggests that he is in a state of perpetual
discomfort. He is struggling through life in the public’s eye, where he is
unable to drink blood as freely as he desires. Just imagine being constantly
surrounded by delicious milkshakes/whatever-yummy-drink, that you could not
consume.
Also, do his values really seem to have kept up with those
of the 21st century? Many conservatives even feel that he has gone
too far back in time. This would not be unlike other vampires, who tend to get
stuck in whatever time period they turned in.
You may be asking yourself, “Why on earth would any of this
mean that Ted Cruz is going to be the next president?” Let me tell you why. There
is a theory that every US president, from Andrew Johnson onward has been a vampire (though, lets be honest, Andrew Jackson does look at least a
little vampy). The story goes that there was once a Portuguese sailor on a
whaling ship who decided to kill two men and drink their blood while at sea
(cough cough, just like Dracula did). He was declared a vampire, and after his
arrest, President Johnson decided to pardon him of his crimes. Now, why on
earth would the President do such a thing? The sailor was clearly deranged and
dangerous, so why should he be pardoned? It seems to me that the answer is
pretty realistic and obvious: they were vamp bros! Prezy Johnson had to have
his pal’s back.
Ever since then, there has been a chain of vampire presidents.
My theory is that secretly—as part of the inauguration ritual, of course—the
past president turns the new one into a vamp (with a few exceptions, do you
really think they’d let W become a vampire? LOL).
