The Gran-Fic We All Wanted. Well Kind Of.

Authors Notes:

I felt to add continuity, I would attempt to mimic the genius of Charlaine Harris’s writing style.

What have I done….. PS, I wrote it from Sookie's Point of View,  because what is True Blood without Sookie's insightful observations. Oh right. It might actually be good. 

Warnings

Sarcasm.

Like. A lot.

            Everything changed that day he walked into my bar. I knew the second I saw him he was different. He was a vampire.  And I knew I had to get me some of that ice cold man-mutton in just a cotton picking second. My name is Sookie Stackhouse and I am just your average, everyday, normal girl,… who can read minds. Because I guess I’m just an extra special snowflake. I am not saying I am better or prettier than everybody else in this town. I’m just saying I am the most interesting, unique, and gorgeous girl in this town with my yellow sundress with blue polka dots, and white daisies, and my pink cashmere sweater that hits my curves in all the right ways, and gets all the boys’ attention.  

Not that I want their attention.

I’m not that kind of girl.

           

I’m just a good, humble, christian woman who views all people as equal. Except, of coarse, those who don’t look like me and those I don't find attractive.  

Well, enough about me, its now time to talk about my new beau.

So this vampire was named Bill, and I knew the second I saw him, I would get him to notice me.

Senpai would be mine.

I told Gran about my new boo the second I got home. She seamed pretty excited for me. This was probably because I am not one of those girls who has a new man each night.  

 “Awesome. Wow.” She exclaimed and then went back her pie making. After a while she then said something about the civil war, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy planning my wedding to my new sugar bear. “Sookie.” She scolded, which got my attention. “When I talk to you I want you to listen to me.”

Because I am such a good granddaughter, and I love her, I decided to listen. She continued.

“If this vampire is old, he probably remembers the war.” I knew immediately that she meant the civil war. I’m just that smart. She went on. “If he remembers the war, I would like to meet him.”

Time Jump, cause why linger on actual plot content.

I finally convinced Bill to meet Gran. I mean we are practically an item, so he does pretty much anything for me. “I am mighty excited to meet your grandmother Miss Sookie.” Bill drawled and I giggled. 

 “Ohhhh Bill you know how much I love it when you talk all old like.” I flirted, subtly, back.

We entered the house. Then what happened next was… unexpected? “William Compton?” Gran asked, startled, as she looked at my boo-bear.”

Wait.

Does Gran already know my Pumpkin Waffle?

“Sookie, you did not inform me that your grandmother was the lovely Adele Stackhouse.” Bill scolded as he gazed hungrily at Gran. What happened next was an out of body experience for me. They looked longingly into each other’s eyes and then rushed towards each other, their lusting lips becoming one. 

“Ohh Adele, no woman has ever loved me like you loved me.” Bill whispered, seductively into her ear. 

Gran sighed, “Ohh Bill, you make may old woman heart just go flipity-flop.”

Wait. What.

Their passionate kisses continued to escalate as I stood there. Shell Shocked.

“Where.” Bill growled as he bit down on Gran’s neck. 

Gran groaned, “Sookie’s bed. It don’t creak like my old frame does.”

Then they, well, had sex.

Wait. What.

It was at this moment I decided to kill Gran.

So I did.

I just killed those other girls to make Gran's death look like an accident.

PLOT TWIST

Turns out, I am the Serial Killer of Bon Temps, and I bet you didn’t see that one coming. 

Authors Notes:

Obviously nothing in this story is to be taken seriously.  I just really wanted to highlight the flaws in Sookie’s character and Charlaine Harris’s writing style.

Subtle

   Subtle, something delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe, making use of clever and indirect methods to achieve something (Webster). This is a word that I would never use to describe Dead until Dark book series and the horrid TV spin-off True Blood both of which take any subtlety that could be and burns it like Bill at breakfast.

The novel makes a better attempt at subtlety in some places while in other place it derails and crashes. Some of the positive uses of subtlety in the book are by giving hints about Sam being a werewolf/dog, the killer’s identity, and how Vampire blood could be addictive, but that’s about the end of it. Other than these few points the book is pretty on the nose about what means what and how the characters are feeling by having the characters narrate their own feelings. The worst example of the negative subtlety in the novel is when Sookie and Bill have sex in the graveyard after she thought he was dead. (Also am I the only one who thinks sex in a graveyard is both creepy and really disgusting) In most romantic novels a person orgasming is described as the character being transported to another realm of existence, feeling euphoric and understanding what it means to be in love. But in this terrible novel this moment is summed up in just three words “Suddenly I came”, how romantic (Dead Until Dark). You can just feel the author just violently beating you in the head saying “Do you get it”. No matter how I bash the book the show did so much worse.

"You just spent all day submerged in the ground, lets plow!"

The only subtle part of the show True Blood, is the actually catchy and fitting opening song called Bad Things. In the opening the song plays over stock footage of decaying animals, the KKK, images that represent Louisiana, and religion. Now some of you might think that this is not really subtle, showing the main themes of the show before the episode even starts but compared to the rest of this train wreck this is godly. Some examples of this are the “pie scene”, and any scene with Sam. During the scenes with Sam there are many hints that he is a dog from showing a picture of a dog in his office, Tara saying Sam is “Like a dog with a bone”, and Bill calling him a mutt. This and the fact he always showed up in his dog form every time Sookie turns him down or tells him to leave, nice. 

Finally we get to the pie scene, where pie is mistreated just like the audience. The scene has Sookie slowly eating the last pie that Gran had made before she died, to the tune of a southern hymn. This scene is supposed to show Sookie grieving for her grandmother, but comes off as forced and heavy handed and almost comical. (It also quickly transitions from this scene to all of the main characters having sex).  So the both book and the TV spin-off show a lot of southern pride, racism and a lot of unnecessary sex, but little to no subtlety and it clearly shows.  

How we all feel after watching the show.