The Gran-Fic We All Wanted. Well Kind Of.

Authors Notes:

I felt to add continuity, I would attempt to mimic the genius of Charlaine Harris’s writing style.

What have I done….. PS, I wrote it from Sookie's Point of View,  because what is True Blood without Sookie's insightful observations. Oh right. It might actually be good. 

Warnings

Sarcasm.

Like. A lot.

            Everything changed that day he walked into my bar. I knew the second I saw him he was different. He was a vampire.  And I knew I had to get me some of that ice cold man-mutton in just a cotton picking second. My name is Sookie Stackhouse and I am just your average, everyday, normal girl,… who can read minds. Because I guess I’m just an extra special snowflake. I am not saying I am better or prettier than everybody else in this town. I’m just saying I am the most interesting, unique, and gorgeous girl in this town with my yellow sundress with blue polka dots, and white daisies, and my pink cashmere sweater that hits my curves in all the right ways, and gets all the boys’ attention.  

Not that I want their attention.

I’m not that kind of girl.

           

I’m just a good, humble, christian woman who views all people as equal. Except, of coarse, those who don’t look like me and those I don't find attractive.  

Well, enough about me, its now time to talk about my new beau.

So this vampire was named Bill, and I knew the second I saw him, I would get him to notice me.

Senpai would be mine.

I told Gran about my new boo the second I got home. She seamed pretty excited for me. This was probably because I am not one of those girls who has a new man each night.  

 “Awesome. Wow.” She exclaimed and then went back her pie making. After a while she then said something about the civil war, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy planning my wedding to my new sugar bear. “Sookie.” She scolded, which got my attention. “When I talk to you I want you to listen to me.”

Because I am such a good granddaughter, and I love her, I decided to listen. She continued.

“If this vampire is old, he probably remembers the war.” I knew immediately that she meant the civil war. I’m just that smart. She went on. “If he remembers the war, I would like to meet him.”

Time Jump, cause why linger on actual plot content.

I finally convinced Bill to meet Gran. I mean we are practically an item, so he does pretty much anything for me. “I am mighty excited to meet your grandmother Miss Sookie.” Bill drawled and I giggled. 

 “Ohhhh Bill you know how much I love it when you talk all old like.” I flirted, subtly, back.

We entered the house. Then what happened next was… unexpected? “William Compton?” Gran asked, startled, as she looked at my boo-bear.”

Wait.

Does Gran already know my Pumpkin Waffle?

“Sookie, you did not inform me that your grandmother was the lovely Adele Stackhouse.” Bill scolded as he gazed hungrily at Gran. What happened next was an out of body experience for me. They looked longingly into each other’s eyes and then rushed towards each other, their lusting lips becoming one. 

“Ohh Adele, no woman has ever loved me like you loved me.” Bill whispered, seductively into her ear. 

Gran sighed, “Ohh Bill, you make may old woman heart just go flipity-flop.”

Wait. What.

Their passionate kisses continued to escalate as I stood there. Shell Shocked.

“Where.” Bill growled as he bit down on Gran’s neck. 

Gran groaned, “Sookie’s bed. It don’t creak like my old frame does.”

Then they, well, had sex.

Wait. What.

It was at this moment I decided to kill Gran.

So I did.

I just killed those other girls to make Gran's death look like an accident.

PLOT TWIST

Turns out, I am the Serial Killer of Bon Temps, and I bet you didn’t see that one coming. 

Authors Notes:

Obviously nothing in this story is to be taken seriously.  I just really wanted to highlight the flaws in Sookie’s character and Charlaine Harris’s writing style.