Vampires Suck

Har Har very funny, vampires suck, yeah we get it they suck because they have fangs and suck your blood. NO! Vampires are useless they literally suck. Now personally all things spooky and monstrous have fascinated me since I was a wee one, but no matter how much I read quality works of literature regarding vampires (Bram Stokers Dracula and Coppollas Dracula). I still think they are just lame! After analyzing the original Dracula and seeing Gary Oldman portray Dracula I have more respect for them because, despite their inability to repress their sexual libidos the original vampires were absolutely what a monster should be. The original Dracula was cold and calculated, mysterious ominous and genuinely evil. However over the decades I feel like the media focused on the wrong parts of these monsters and it has created a weird jumbled teenage heartthrob obsession with shiny pale British vampires and the constant desire of the protagonist to be under the bed covers with one of these blood suckers.

First of all the whole inability to handle sunlight is just ridiculous. The original Dracula absolutely could walk outside during the day, granted he couldn’t turn into a bat or have any superhuman qualities, but I’m pretty sure that if you spontaneously turned into a bat or climbed on walls it would raise suspicion anyway. But in today’s day and age the vampires melt, combust or… sparkle…. To death… yeah don’t ask me about that one I’m not really sure myself. Now I understand the idea of light triumphing over dark and the sun being the symbolic ultimate source of good (praise the sun) but a creature so vile and monstrous that it not only kills humans but uses their life force as food for itself deserve a little more credit. Additionally vampires tend to be centuries old, and the sun has been around for as long as them so you would think that vampires would at least have developed some super strong SPF sunscreen right?

 Sidenote: Literally googled pansy vampire for the image below

 

My second biggest problem with what vampires have become stems from their overwhelming emotions. Dracula and the vampires of his era could sympathize and even show emotion, but the ones in my generation, twilight and true blood for example are just train wrecks. I mean I love food as much as the next guy but I’m not going to fight a werewolf or protect it from crazy rednecks or even other vampires because I love it, no, I will go find other food. Ultimately it seems that modern age vampires as monstrosities has been downplayed and their sexuality has crescendoed. Dracula didn’t fall in love with his prey no matter how sexually you read that novel, yes its very sexual but there isn’t any love for Jonathan Harker or Mina or Lucy, all the feelings and emotions come from the humans. In modern vampire stories an age old vampire who just happens to be good looking and emotionally attached falls in love with his/her dinner and protects it. Basically what I think needs to happen is that we need to remember what monsters are and why they are noted as such, there should be a line in the sand between monster and misunderstood.