Mens Club

Watching True Blood for the first time (which was in class), I kind of saw the hype and popularity of the show. It had seemed to me it was a vivid analogy for many things that could be related to on some levels in pop culture today. Even being gay in America which I feel at the start of the show was a hot topic. Some of these vampires had “come out of the” coffin (closet), they were trying to pass the vampire rights amendment, and they couldn’t marry. I also soon realized that I’m not too fond of the character Sookie. She seemed like she had strong character at times on the show, but in the books she came off as one who was simple and cared for the simplicity of life. When reading the book, I was definitely a bigger fan of her. In the show he seems to feed on and love the attention of supernatural men and easily satisfied/impressed with small gestures. She seems to love Bill who isn’t very genuine (it seems like) and also loves Eric who seems pretty disrespectful.

I feel that True Blood is more entertaining however than the books, possibly due to the writers and edits. The female character portrayal is still misogynistic. I feel there are also not as many significant female roles in the show compared to the men’s. Looking closely at it, it’s difficult to view it the same way when paying close attention to what is illustrated on the show. Due to multiple reasons, the main for me being, True Blood coming off as a men’s club; in the storyline they call the shots and the women characters either find their personality through them or lack any form of personality.

What I also find interesting is usually putting a woman in the center of things (especially when it comes to men and love triangle etc.) they usually get to call the shots. The guys should fight over her and basically earn her respect/love or whatever it may be. In theory it feels progressive. The whole masculine ideas of possessing seem to dominate the scenario in True Blood. They usually don’t seem to take into consideration or downright care at all what the woman thinks. On top of that, it seems as if the woman is set up for failure because the only right choice she can make is not to have one.

 

Sharing Through the Past

Sookie opened the door, pulling it towards herself so Bill could enter the house. Gran watched him move across the threshold, her excitement outweighing any of the previous trepidation she might have felt. His face was relaxed, a calm and genuine smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. He strode up to where Gran was perched on the couch, his hand outstretched with an air of easy self assurance.

“Hello ma’am. Thank you for welcoming me into your home. My name is Bill Compton.” Gran stood and grasped his hand with a steady grip. Bill’s hand was warm and smooth, exuding a gentle pressure around Gran’s hand that reminded her of how alive this man seemed to be.

“Bill, I’m Adele Stackhouse, Sookie’s grandmother as you well know. I am so very pleased to have you here to speak with! Thank you for taking the time out of your evening to come over!” Gran smiled at him exuberantly, the warmth of her welcome twinkling brightly in her eyes.   

“Well Gran, you go ahead and ask your questions. I’ll head to the kitchen and make some tea,” announced Sookie as she strode out of the room, leaving Bill and Adele to their conversation.

The two settled into their respective seats, Adele on the large, worn out couch and Bill in a red cushioned arm chair across from her. She scanned him with curious eyes, not knowing where to start. She wasn’t sure if vampires abided by the same social rules as living humans and she certainly didn’t know if certain questions would be off limits or too invasive. The last thing Adele wanted to do was offend the vampire that so intrigued her. Bill could provide her with knowledge before her time, a more in depth understanding of humans and the world they live in than any being with blood pumping through their veins. She chose her words with careful consideration, smiling as she spoke them.

“I’m thrilled to be given the privilege of speaking with you. I have so many questions that I’m afraid I don’t know where to start! As Sookie may have told you, I belong to a group called the Descendants of the Glorious Dead. Our purpose is to memorialize those who were killed during the Civil War but also to uncover the history behind the Civil War itself. Many of us had relatives, a grandfather or great-grandfather, who died fighting for the South. Though we may never personally know those who fought, we believe the best way to honor them for their  sacrifices is to speak of them and keep their memory alive!” Gran paused at this, her face alight with excited anticipation. Bill waited patiently for her to continue.

“Sookie told me that you were alive during the War. As someone who experienced what we can only attempt to dream up, I would love to have you speak at one of our meetings. Of course, it would have to be a night so you could actually come speak, but we would be ever so delighted if you’d come and share with us!” Adele smiled eagerly, careful expectation bubbling in her demeanor.

“Ms. Stackhouse, it would be my pleasure. Anything I can do to assist your society and enlighten those about our previous struggles” Bill replied, a hint of amusement edging into his voice over the enthusiasm Gran expressed.

This woman wasn’t like the humans Bill had so often encountered before. Kindness and consideration poured from her, filling the room with a pleasant and comfortable atmosphere. Adele was old no doubt, but her chipper attitude was like that of a child playing his favorite game. The stress of life had not weighed her down, despite the loss of her daughter, Sookie’s mother. No parent should have to deal with the death of their child, a fact that Bill knew well. And yet, here was Adele who had done so much. She had raised two children during what were suppose to be her twilight years and had done her best to instill good moral values in both. If either Sookie or Jason ever grew to be as upstanding as Adele Stackhouse, it would be an ultimate win for Bon Temps.

As this thought passed through Bill’s mind, he was suddenly overcome with a desire to spend more time with this woman. She possessed an old soul, just as he did. She cherished the past but still looked towards the future; the future of Sookie, of the community, and of Bon Temps as a whole. Bill leaned forward in his seat, hands clasped upon his lap and his brilliant white teeth peeking between his lips in a small smile.

“I’m glad that there are still those who have a mind for examining the past. You just tell me when and where Ms. Stackhouse.”

“Please,” chimed Gran, “call me Adele.”

Is it Because They're Black?

The 2008-2014 HBO popular TV series True Blood has been revered as one of HBO’s most watched shows during that time period (although I can barely see why after watching the first season). Despite my personal opinions of the acting in the show, it does represent a lot of cultural views such as the vampire laws and their relation to the civil rights laws in the United States. Following most of the book accurately, the show has a clear tendency of trying to make it more racially diverse. However, these “good” intentions, however well they may have been, have come off the wrong way by fitting various different stereotypes into the three black characters of the show. Tara Thornton, Sookie’s best friend, is an African American female who basically encompasses the very idea of a sassy and mad black woman. She not only harbors strong feminist ideas, but also usually adds on to those ideas with the fact that she is a black female. In one instance of the show Tara makes a remark about her name to a customer who had been patiently waiting to be served.

[customer snaps for service]

Tara Thornton: Do NOT snap at me! I have a name, and that name is Tara. And innit that funny? A black girl being named after a plantation?

[customer laughs]

Tara Thornton: No, I don't think it's funny at all! In fact, it really pisses me off that my momma was either stupid or just plain mean. Which is why you better be nice if you plan on getting a drink tonight!

Not only is Tara portrayed as a feminist and loud/angry black woman but she also has no father, and a drunk and abusive mother. Moving on to Lafayette, the third black character in the series, he is known for not only being homosexual, but a drug dealer as well. Later in the series he is even seen as selling his body in order to get his drug supplies and other profits. Due to this, I have to come to the final question of is it because they’re black? Is it because they’re black that we never hear any mention of Tara and Lafayette’s fathers? Is it because they’re black that Lafayette is the most open homosexual main character in the show? Is it because they’re black that Lafayette is the drug dealer of the show and Tara is friend who always has something to say when it comes to not worrying about wearing a filer on her mouth? As it’s not bad enough that the only black characters in the cast are strong negative stereotypes in some people’s eyes, Tara later all of a sudden comes out of the closet and admits to be lesbian.

I don’t believe the show is purposefully attempting to depict these natural stereotypes about black people; I just find it more than odd that the only black characters in the show are not regular people but instead follow different labels. Both characters exist as comic relief and aren’t bad at how they play their roles either, but it would be pleasing to see them viewed as something else other than just the drug dealer or angry black lady.

          VDHD - (Vampire deficit hyperactivity disorder)

     Symptoms:  Irritability, Fatigue, Headaches, Anxiety, Lack of focus.


 New recent discoveries have lead scientists to believe that vampires do actually exist. It is now so common that every 1 in 30 people are scientifically proven to be a Vampire. A common stereotype resulting in this disorder is a need for blood that over the years has been portrayed that they are murderous due to their needs. However this is not true. This (VDHD) is referring to ones need for a larger blood flow to be circulated to their brain. These types of people have specialized Neurons inside their brain that cannot connect between both hemispheres as sufficiently as possible without a larger % of blood inside their system that their bodies cannot produce on its own. Their senses become profound, and they gain mind-controlling abilities after taking a dose of blood. They do not require a lot and we now can create synthetic blood in laboratories to provide for them medically. Vampires are not monsters, they are just people effected by a brain disorder that makes them inattentive and weary because their brain requires more blood flow. These people are not lazy, they just require more blood to become more efficient and hardworking. The retrovirus inside the brain causes a lack of blood flow and almost eats up at the blood that people need and produce inside themselves.







Symptoms after blood shot: Smarter, more efficient, gained senses, more observant, heal quicker


These studies date back all the way to Yale University in 1985 in its discoveries of the "Endogenous retroviruses". These people are still human, however a simple exchange of blood can boost these people to become even more normal. People can have this retrovirus passed down through birth from either parents. Even more discoveries can be made as we research this disease but we need to understand more about how this retrovirus really works. Their extra strength causes the sympathetic to take over the norepinephrine and pours into the blood which causes them to become pale and more strong. This disorder has been over analyzed for years and has created a monstrous view of these kinds of people. They have been labeled as satanic and lonely for years but really they were just misunderstood due to a brain disorder.


Here the website to where i got this idea from:
http://vampirewebsite.net/

- I don't actually believe this to be true, but i thought it was interesting.


                       

The main character of Charlaine Harris’s, Dead until Dark, has no best friend. She’s a freak around the small Louisiana town of Bon Temps because of her ability to read minds (but she’s “not psychic!!!”) and she lives with her grandma. What is poor lil Sookie Stackhouse to do in the HBO series adaptation True Blood? Enter Tara Mae. Tara is Sookie’s only best (black) friend. Tara has lived a hard life, as seen in multiple parts in season one of the show. Flashbacks are shown of her alcoholic, abusive mother as Tara runs to Sookie’s Gran’s house for safety and shelter. Her father is not in the picture. This is all perhaps supposed to explain her anger all the time. Tara yells at anyone for the slightest things and makes everyone around her at Merlotte’s uncomfortable with her attitude.

More so than the best friend role, Tara is the Angry Black Woman. The writers of the show couldn’t have just made Tara a normal woman who treats Sookie like the overdramatic child she is. They had to make Tara the one who takes the backseat to Sookie’s shenanigans, lusts after her loser brother, Jason, (WHY?) and not a smart, strong, hardworking woman like Tiana from Disney’s The Princess and the Frog (2009). In real life, Tara would be the one who owns the bar and is successful and has a loving, supportive relationship with whoever she wants.

Tara has moments where she really shines through. Truthfully, she’s the only one on the show with any amount of acting ability. Sookie and Bill are so hard to watch most of the time, but let’s not get me started on that. Any time Tara attempts to make the plotline even somewhat focus on her, Sookie steals the scene and starts making it about herself and inevitably turns the subject to a boy problem, forcing the show to fail the Bechdel test. We haaaaaaate Sookie. I really wish Tara was given more screen time in the first season. I also wish Sookie was given far less screen time, but it is what it is.

The Angry Black Woman stereotype is not a new thing, by any means. It happened to Nicki Minaj when she was reportedly in a feud with Taylor Swift over who knows what. In media outlets, Taylor and Nicki would be shown side to side with Taylor getting a nice calm, normal red carpet picture and Nicki getting an unattractive, mouth wide open, “angry” picture. It was clear what the purpose was. Several people called the various media outlets out on their biases, but I don’t remember if any of them responded or changed the pictures. It’s not fair. There doesn’t need to be an Angry Black Woman. We’re all friends here. 

Ted Cruz: Zodiac Killer or Vampire?

Unfortunately, it looks to me like Ted Cruz might be our next president. I am not basing this belief on how he is doing in the polls, or how he compares to his opponents. No, I am basing this solely on the fact that he is a vampire (though he would have you believe otherwise, the sneaky little shit).

Many of you may have heard the popular joke that’s going around about how Ted is the Zodiac Killer. “Now, that doesn’t make any sense,” you might be saying to yourself as you scroll through the Internet. “He was born right after the killer stopped.” To most people, it seems pretty obvious that he is not the killer. You may even be one of those people. But I want you to think about it. How convenient is it that he was “born” only months after the last known attacks by the killer. Was he really born? Or could he have faked a childhood and charmed some parents (figuring that vampires have that ability) into thinking they had had a grown son. Of course after that he had to fake a birth certificate (Canadian of course, those pesky American ones can be difficult, what with the Birthers and all that).

But that’s not all.

Just look at him. Look at his face.

Does he seem like he’s having a good time? No. His face suggests that he is in a state of perpetual discomfort. He is struggling through life in the public’s eye, where he is unable to drink blood as freely as he desires. Just imagine being constantly surrounded by delicious milkshakes/whatever-yummy-drink, that you could not consume.

Also, do his values really seem to have kept up with those of the 21^st century? Many conservatives even feel that he has gone too far back in time. This would not be unlike other vampires, who tend to get stuck in whatever time period they turned in.

You may be asking yourself, “Why on earth would any of this mean that Ted Cruz is going to be the next president?” Let me tell you why. There is a theory that every US president, from Andrew Johnson onward has been a vampire (though, lets be honest, Andrew Jackson does look at least a little vampy). The story goes that there was once a Portuguese sailor on a whaling ship who decided to kill two men and drink their blood while at sea (cough cough, just like Dracula did). He was declared a vampire, and after his arrest, President Johnson decided to pardon him of his crimes. Now, why on earth would the President do such a thing? The sailor was clearly deranged and dangerous, so why should he be pardoned? It seems to me that the answer is pretty realistic and obvious: they were vamp bros! Prezy Johnson had to have his pal’s back. 

Ever since then, there has been a chain of vampire presidents. My theory is that secretly—as part of the inauguration ritual, of course—the past president turns the new one into a vamp (with a few exceptions, do you really think they’d let W become a vampire? LOL). 

Sookie? Who, Sookie?

     Sookie Stackhouse is the main character... we can't really change that. But, maybe the director of True Blood had to do something about it. Let's face it, that girl needs to read the book first because crying over leftovers of her dead Grandma's pecan pie doesn't win her any fans. However, we do have the director to thank for making the changes that he does for the first season of True Blood!
     Between Dead Until Dark and True Blood, we can see a numerous amount of differences. Since the book follows Sookie's life and everything is seen through her perspective, we don't really get the chance to peer into the lives of her brother or any of the other supporting characters. Of course, the show has some down sides like projecting the vampire blood as an illegal drug that forces the characters to go through lots of trouble to obtain, and making Jason seem like a really dumb southern boy, but even these parts are pretty entertaining! Sookie does need some (more like a lot) of work as a main character, but since she gets about half the screen time as she did in the book, this gives the audience a chance to enjoy the other stories going on. For example, the situation Tara is going through with her abusive, alcoholic mother is emotional and causes us to actually feel something. Another character's story we dive further into is Lafayette's. We get to see every side of this character, from throwing an infected burger in a customers' face to an intimate rendezvous with an old vampire for some more V (vampire blood). Both of these characters, which are black, are extremely funny and they add much entertainment to the show in its entirety. #blessforallthatsass
     Some other differences noticed in the show include the effects of V. Adding to the "illegal" connotation of it, we see Jason and his new girlfriend, Amy, practically addicted to how the V affects them. For some reason, this change we see in Jason and Amy is one that we don't see in Sookie, even though she is also drinking the blood from Bill, her vampire boyfriend. Maybe they are trying to show us that the blood from good, metro vampires has beneficial effects ( "true" vampire blood)  and the V obtained through illegal activity has bad effects. Or, since Jason is a possible suspect, he has to experience all the bad sides to drinking V whereas sweet, damsel in distress, Sookie, gets all the good effects... who knows.
     Another very interesting character we delve deeper into is Sam, the shapeshifter. The book does a really good job keeping his identity a secret until early one morning BAM! He wakes up naked next to Sookie. In True Blood, Bill makes a smart comment about Sam "marking his territory," he goes into dead Maudette's bedroom and sniffs to his hearts' content, and he even shows up as a dog in several scenes! #thirstytobebetterthanBill
     We could certainly get into how... interesting... the sex scenes in these couple episodes were... but I think it best to save that for another time. Our minds can only handle so much True Blood and Dead Until Dark.

     With all these plot twists the director places in the show, we are like totally captivated. Now wouldn't it be so much more exciting if the main character was a better Sookie Stackhouse? Yeah, my thoughts exactly...

Dracula or Dexter Morgan?

Dracula could be seen as a blood thirsty creature or even a serial killer. Much like Dracula a certain character from a TV show called Dexter come to mind (spoiler his name is Dexter) … as the show develops we see how obsessed Dexter is with killing, he blames this on his “Dark Passenger” which one could take it to mean his addiction. Both Dracula and Dexter are alike in the sense of killing but they are two completely different serial killers when you look as to why they do it. As we read in Stoker’s Dracula we encountered a monster that killed others for food or simply because he was trying to get revenge. On the other hand, we have Dexter Morgan the serial killer that kills people that are “guilt” or so he says. He goes by a code called “Harry’s Code” which his step father taught him so that he would never get caught. This code involves Dexter alienating himself from people, be careful and the biggest one is to never hurt any innocent person.

 We could actually argue that they are both addicted to blood, Dracula doesn’t really need that much blood to feed and Dexter has to kill people in order to satisfy his urges or else he’s not himself and gets stressed out. According to the definition of the word, addiction is a condition that results when a person ingests a substance (e.g., alcohol, cocaine, nicotine) or engages in an activity (e.g., gambling, sex, shopping) that can be pleasurable but the continued use/act of which becomes compulsive and interferes with ordinary life responsibilities, such as work. While Dracula has no work, the addiction interferes with his everyday life, he didn’t have to drain the blood of Lucy but he had to do it so that he could satisfy his needs and also hurt an enemy. Moreover, as we go into how much they resemble each other in their thirst for blood they both do it for a complete different reason. It’s like darkness versus light but in reality they are both darkness… In all reality we could even compare ourselves to Dracula because as a society we are addicted to social media. We tend to never leave our phones alone, we are either checking snapchat, twitter or for those of us cool cats Facebook… Well I am off to satisfy my social media addiction good luck with yours!!

The Color Black in True Blood

While reading Dead Until Dark or the Sookie Stackhouse Novels, the series is narrated by a telepathic waitress, named Sookie, from Louisiana. The novels follow a variety of themes like sex, religion, and race, but the characters within the novel are predominately Caucasian. Aside from the novels, the HBO series True Blood (2008 - 2014) bases itself on similar themes and plot in the first season. One notable and very influential difference from the novels to the show are the main characters Tara Thornton and Lafayette Reynolds. While the novel details a strong discrimination between humans and vampires, the show creates these major characters to not only highlight this racism and discrimination, but to give it a more realistic perspective. The characters also give a voice to the discriminated, adding to the perspective of the oppressed.

First, let’s look at Tara, who is Sookie’s best friend in the show and does not appear in the novels. Being a woman of color in Louisiana, which is not your typical progressive area, she does not follow the stereotypical black person. Shes uses her color to help define herself and also uses her intelligence to feel more superior toward her white characters. Putting Tara in the show really helps it dive into their metaphorical racism between humans and vampires. Without Tara True Blood would not have a foundation for its racism and discrimination to stand on. Ultimately, having Tara as a person of color shows how bigotry affects real people, instead of just using straight metaphors.

Since Bon Temps, where the show mainly takes place, is a very white, conservative area, Tara and Lafayette act as the “others” based on their skin color. While at some points in the show where Tara focuses her aggression on slavery and oppression in her hometown, her vibrant personality and past make her a more complex character. Aside from Tara’s complex character development in the show, she is complimented by her gay cousin, Lafayette. In the show, viewers might assume that Lafayette does not care too much for Sookie’s relationship with Bill. This is not because he himself makes a deal with a vampire to exchange sex for vampire blood, but because he understand what it’s like to be ridiculed for relationships outside the societal norm. While Lafayette and Tara provide various comical scenes throughout the series, both characters are given issues that metaphorically coincide with our culture. Tara serves for the purpose of confronting racism and the trauma of abuse and it’s victims. Whereas with Lafayette, how the show uses the vampires to talk about racism, it also uses vampire human relationships to talk about homophobia. Both characters are invisible or non-existent in the books, but in the show they alone put cultural issues in a more practical context.

Central Themes for the Opening Credits of True Blood

True Blood is based on the Sookie Stackhouse series, which takes place in a small town in Louisiana where vampires are now integrated in society. The series takes on a new twist on the vampire theme; vampires now live among humans however, they are continuously treated as second class citizens. The series symbolizes numerous cultural and historical references to American society, which can be all seen in the opening credits for the TV show True Blood.

In my opinion, True blood has one of the most stunning opening credits. The opening title shows the themes of religion, sex, and racial struggles that are present in the Sookie Stackhouse series as well.  There is a parallel that can be seen with the vampires as social outcasts and how nowadays people of different race or sexual orientation can also be out casted from society. One parallel is when they show the sign for “God Hates Fangs”, which symbolizes the Westboro Baptist Church and how they discriminate against homosexual people with their usual “God Hates Fags” sign. 

Another theme the opening credits of True Blood was trying to focus on was comparing sexual ecstasy with religious ecstasy. There are some scenes which are of women acting promiscuously then it cuts to different women praying vigorously. It seems as if the writers were trying to show a parallel between perversion and then them trying to seek redemption through prayer. The writer is trying to suggest that the belief system of the south was that no matter of what kind of evil or sin was committed last night, it can always be redeemed and you can start anew the next day with all of your sins being forgiven.

                   

There was also multiple archival footage that suggested race related social unrest, similar to how the vampires are feeling while they are living amongst humans. Pictures of KKK members and segregated black only churches hint on the theme of racism in the south.

                    

Another central theme is the vampire representation of as a predator or parasite. Footage on decaying animals, carnivorous plants, and images of bones suggest that vampires can be seen analogous to a supernatural predator, similarly to how nature can be seen as a predator as well (ex: predators eating their prey). Also there is a scene with a possum laying dead on the floor with blood everywhere, which can symbolize how humans are prey to vampires who are easy for them to kill.

Also the opening credits show the Louisiana swamps and the wilderness and cultures of the south to try and symbolize the mind set of its inhabitants. This look into the landscape of Louisiana allows the viewers to see how there is repressed sexual energy paralleled with religious extremists. The credits show that humans can have a certain animalistic lust as well, that gives us beast-like qualities, which can be compared to the similar supernatural beast-like characteristics of vampires.

                        

Monsters: Embodiment of Fear

               Children are the inventors of monsters. Children are scared of the dark, the unknown, animals, or heights. They have instinctually based fears. Monsters can cause physical harm. But as one ages the monsters change and mature as well. They no longer just cause physical harm but monsters also cause emotional or spiritual damage. Adults see monsters differently because there is the fear of being permanently scarred from a monster. This development of monsters gives them new abilities to manipulate the soul, break the spirit, or threaten sanity and emotional stability. These powers are reflected in the modern depiction of monsters in literature and media.

Modern monsters in literature have developed to reflect these fears and have new abilities to manipulate human emotions. Monsters infiltrate our lives completely but humans have a need to believe monsters can be managed and they can have benefits. Modern monsters have developed a complexity in order to feed humans need for meaning. This belief is why so many monsters are ‘lovable’ and may have aspects of human emotions. The most common human emotions monsters are capable of is love. In today’s society love is such a central aspect of our culture and it is embedded in the portrayal of monsters. Monsters cannot fully grasp human love but instead cultivate a sexual, possessive love or desire. These kinds of portrayals are seen in the vampires from Dracula, Carmilla, and Dead Until Dark, and in the media renditions of these books.

In each of the books the main protagonist develops a relationship with a monster, specifically a vampire. These relationships become consuming and problematic, often isolating the protagonist from their friends or society either mentally or physically.  Jonathan Harker is isolated physically from his home by Dracula and there is a hidden sexual nature to their relationship. Dracula is also possessive of Harker and later has hidden sexual encounters with other characters. Carmilla preys on Laura’s need for a friend and they also develop a hidden love. Sookie is alienated from her society as she develops her relationship with Bill Compton and she struggles to gain the support of her friends. These vampires have the additional power of being able to ‘glamour’ people to fulfill their wishes, often sexualized desires. These relationships are physically draining and emotionally tormenting for the characters throughout the novels. They are derived from love but also an instinctual fear of powerlessness. The fear of these kinds of relationships and the need to be accepted fuels the development of these monsters. These monsters show the development of monsters into not only physically threatening beings but beings with the ability to cause emotional harm.

The Gran-Fic We All Wanted. Well Kind Of.

Authors Notes:

I felt to add continuity, I would attempt to mimic the genius of Charlaine Harris’s writing style.

What have I done….. PS, I wrote it from Sookie's Point of View,  because what is True Blood without Sookie's insightful observations. Oh right. It might actually be good. 

Warnings

Sarcasm.

Like. A lot.

            Everything changed that day he walked into my bar. I knew the second I saw him he was different. He was a vampire.  And I knew I had to get me some of that ice cold man-mutton in just a cotton picking second. My name is Sookie Stackhouse and I am just your average, everyday, normal girl,… who can read minds. Because I guess I’m just an extra special snowflake. I am not saying I am better or prettier than everybody else in this town. I’m just saying I am the most interesting, unique, and gorgeous girl in this town with my yellow sundress with blue polka dots, and white daisies, and my pink cashmere sweater that hits my curves in all the right ways, and gets all the boys’ attention.  

Not that I want their attention.

I’m not that kind of girl.

           

I’m just a good, humble, christian woman who views all people as equal. Except, of coarse, those who don’t look like me and those I don't find attractive.  

Well, enough about me, its now time to talk about my new beau.

So this vampire was named Bill, and I knew the second I saw him, I would get him to notice me.

Senpai would be mine.

I told Gran about my new boo the second I got home. She seamed pretty excited for me. This was probably because I am not one of those girls who has a new man each night.  

 “Awesome. Wow.” She exclaimed and then went back her pie making. After a while she then said something about the civil war, but I didn’t listen. I was too busy planning my wedding to my new sugar bear. “Sookie.” She scolded, which got my attention. “When I talk to you I want you to listen to me.”

Because I am such a good granddaughter, and I love her, I decided to listen. She continued.

“If this vampire is old, he probably remembers the war.” I knew immediately that she meant the civil war. I’m just that smart. She went on. “If he remembers the war, I would like to meet him.”

Time Jump, cause why linger on actual plot content.

I finally convinced Bill to meet Gran. I mean we are practically an item, so he does pretty much anything for me. “I am mighty excited to meet your grandmother Miss Sookie.” Bill drawled and I giggled. 

 “Ohhhh Bill you know how much I love it when you talk all old like.” I flirted, subtly, back.

We entered the house. Then what happened next was… unexpected? “William Compton?” Gran asked, startled, as she looked at my boo-bear.”

Wait.

Does Gran already know my Pumpkin Waffle?

“Sookie, you did not inform me that your grandmother was the lovely Adele Stackhouse.” Bill scolded as he gazed hungrily at Gran. What happened next was an out of body experience for me. They looked longingly into each other’s eyes and then rushed towards each other, their lusting lips becoming one. 

“Ohh Adele, no woman has ever loved me like you loved me.” Bill whispered, seductively into her ear. 

Gran sighed, “Ohh Bill, you make may old woman heart just go flipity-flop.”

Wait. What.

Their passionate kisses continued to escalate as I stood there. Shell Shocked.

“Where.” Bill growled as he bit down on Gran’s neck. 

Gran groaned, “Sookie’s bed. It don’t creak like my old frame does.”

Then they, well, had sex.

Wait. What.

It was at this moment I decided to kill Gran.

So I did.

I just killed those other girls to make Gran's death look like an accident.

PLOT TWIST

Turns out, I am the Serial Killer of Bon Temps, and I bet you didn’t see that one coming. 

Authors Notes:

Obviously nothing in this story is to be taken seriously.  I just really wanted to highlight the flaws in Sookie’s character and Charlaine Harris’s writing style.